For Lancelot
by MamzelleHermy
Summary: Tag to 4x02 episode. How will Merlin react to this sacrifice ? Because loosing someone else might be too much for our Warlock.


**Okay everybody. So this is my first ever english oneshot. I've never done that before and more than that, I've never written in that style of writting before. I absolutly don't know if it's good or not, I really written it like I was possessed. It's been a long time since I had written like that but I really couldn't not write it !**

**In the end of the episode I really couldn't believe that Merlin didn't seem more sad than that because really it was one of his best friend DYING ! So I've written that. Oh please, please, leave me a review to tell me what you think about it !**

**Oh and, finally, for those who don't know, english isn't my native language so a bit of comprehension if you see errors. Don't hesitate to point them to me !**

**I let you to read now !**

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><p>"No !"<p>

His cry reasoned into the vast space. He knows he should be doing something but he is petrified as he watches his best friend walk into the black Veil, smiling. It looks like a scene of mythology but to him it is a scene of nightmare.

"No."

And this time it comes out as a broken whisper. He turns to where the Callieach had been standing but she isn't here anymore. She had disappeared with the Veil and the Dorocha leaving only silence. And the silence was maybe more scaring that the shrilling cries of the dead. He's trying to understand what happened but he can't think. His mind is frozen in chock. He can't move either. His body refuses to obey but he doesn't mind. It looks like he's waiting for Lancelot to come back, marching towards him with that knowing smile he always bears whenever they are together.

_That hasn't happened_, his mind is telling him. _It has to be me. I'm the one who should have…_

Even in his mind he can't bring himself to think the word.

He doesn't know how long had passed when he hears the clanging of metal from behind him, breaking the thick silence. He knows he should do something to acknowledge the presence of the Knights but he can't bring himself to move from his frozen stop. He felt numb and detached.

"Merlin" a voice calls him and he recognizes it as Elyan's. "Merlin, what has happened?"

He had hoped that he wouldn't hear this question. He can't answer it. He can't even believe himself what had happened.

"Where is Lancelot" asks the young Knight and Merlin just want to run or scream or do something but he's too numb to. He doesn't have to look at Elyan's face to know he had understood. "No." The Knight gasps too.

He distantly hear others voices now and recognize the Prince's but he can't bring himself to care about what they are saying. Arthur was probably making one of the great Declarations that he has the secret of but he isn't listening. He feels the stares of the others Knights on his back but he can't bring himself to move. Because he is still believe Lancelot will come back, right? When a hand lands itself on his shoulder he is tempted to shake it off but he doesn't.

"Come on Merlin. Let's go" tells him Arthur and Merlin finds himself following even if he doesn't really want to. He wants to stay here and wait for his friend. Because he will come back.

He feels hands patting his back in a very knightly comforting gesture but he barely notices and less answer them so they just leave him.

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><p>The ride back to Camelot is a quiet one. Even Gwaine doesn't have the heart to make jokes or tell everyone his amazing stories involving mead and taverns. Merlin couldn't care less thought. He just follows them, lost in his little world where there is only shock and numbness and denial. He tries not to think because he is scared. Scared that if he thinks about what happened he will shatter into a million pieces. And no one would be there to pick him up. Because <em>no man is worth your tears<em>. So he just sat numbly on his horse or on the floor, waiting for the time to pass through him. He barely eat and sleep. Each time his eyes closes he can see Lancelot smiling at him and during those moments hurt fill him. He can see that the others are worry for him. Even Arthur had tried to make him eat something or react. Without success. How can he live when the only friend that had known him completely is…

In the end, it took them three days to get back to Comelot. But this time the sight of the shinning white walls of the Castle didn't seem as comforting as it usually did. He don't even know if he want to stay there as he feels that coming here had been the biggest mistake of his life seeing how it had bring death, sorrow and hurt to him. He feels like he should just run. Run without a goal. Run until his muscles burns and he can't breathe anymore. But he doesn't.

The crowd is cheering as they make their way through it. They're celebrating the victorious return of their Prince and Regent. The Knights only barely acknowledge them however. They don't feel like celebrating. They all feel that the price to pay for this victory has been far too high.

When they finally reach the Courtyard and dismount, Merlin automatically moves to take the rein. Arthur stops him however and tells him to go home, back to Gaius. For once, he does what he's told and silently walks inside the Castle. He can feel the Knights stares on his back but ignores them. He can hear Gwen but can't bring himself to turn back. He can't face her grieve. So he continues walking. He tries to avoid everybody because he suddenly feels guilty to be alive. Because, really, he should be dead.

When he finally arrives in front of the Physician's Chambers doors, he hesitates a second before opening the door silently and enters. He has only the time to get a glimpse at the room before Gaius stands in front of him. Disbelieve and joy is written over his tired face.

"Merlin" was the only thing he's able to say before engulfing the Warlock into a hug.

He is surprised and he doesn't move at first but then, without warning, he starts crying, saying Gaius' name. Unconsciously, he hugs his mentor tightly because it feels good, because it helps him grounding himself, because, really, he needs it, had never needed anything more in his live it seems. He can't find any more words because suddenly it feels like he is drowning in the pain that had caught up with him. He sobs so hard that he feels like he can't breathe anymore. He's shaking so badly that he knows that it was only thanks to Gaius that he was upright. He tries to stop crying but he can't. Now that he had started he can't stop. Somehow Gaius manages to guide him to the patient's bed near the fire and sat him there. He barely notices though. He hears Gaius's voice talking to him but he can't make sense of what he is saying. And he doesn't care. He doesn't really notice when the old man leave his side but it makes him feel all the more alone. When Gaius comes back, he takes Merlin in his arms and makes him drink a Potion. The boy doesn't even notice the awful taste. He just knows that a few minutes later he fall into much needed oblivion.

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><p>When he wakes up later it's in his own bed and, for two shinning minutes he thinks everything is back as it used to be. But it doesn't last and he remembers everything that happened on the bad-named Isle of Blessed. And just like that he is crying again. And he hates it. He hates being so weak but he hates himself even more. Because he knows that he could have done something to save his friend. No, he should have done something. He should have used his magic to stop him with his magic like he had done with Arthur. He feels the anger in his veins and suddenly he wants to smash something just to let it out. But he knows he can't. So he forced himself to stay lying without moving. He hears the door of his room open but he don't move. He hopes that whoever it is will think him still asleep. No such luck though as he feel the person sit on his bed and a hand on his shoulder.<p>

"I know you're awake Merlin" says the voice of Gaius.

"I don't want to talk Gaius" he manages to say, his voice rough and low.

"I know. But you're going to listen to me however. I know what happened. And you are not to blame. Lancelot made his choice Merlin. You couldn't have stopped him. He wanted to sacrifice himself. Maybe that was his destiny to allow you to follow yours."

"I don't want this destiny anymore. Why should I suffer for Arthur? Why should all the people die around me in order for Arthur to be king? I don't care about that anymore!" he said, voice rising as his anger finds a release.

"You know you don't really mean that Merlin" says Gaius in a calming voice. "Maybe you can't see it now but one day you will be rewarded. It doesn't matter how much you want it, you can't turn your back on your destiny. What you can, however, is to not let Lancelot's sacrifice be in vain. He wanted you to live so you can accomplish your destiny and live your life. You should remember that before making any decisions."

"But it was supposed to be me Gaius. I had to die!"

"No Merlin! Listen! Your life is important! More important than you want to believe it but it is true! Now, think about what I said. And when you're ready, you can get up and go back to your life. In the name of Lancelot."

Merlin is speechless as Gaius leaves him. He hadn't seen it like it but maybe his mentor was right. It wasn't the right thing to do to let Lancelot's sacrifice be vain. The Knight had given his life so he, Arthur and the whole of Camelot can continue theirs. He will not let that be vain. That's why, in the silence of his room in made a pledge to his fallen friend that his sacrifice won't be in vain and that from this day, he will do everything he can to live his life and complete his destiny.

For Lancelot.

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><p><strong>So ? A little review for me ? Please, please, please, I'm so anxious. Thanks !<strong>


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